How To Keep Your Cool (And Your Friendship) After A Rejection
Breaking Up
Colonoscopies. Stepping on a Lego. Accidentally drinking spoiled orange juice.
A lot of things are more fun than being rejected. When you muster up the courage to ask someone on a date and they turn you down, it hurts. You laid it all on the line, got told no, and at least for a second wanted to swear off dating forever.
Take a deep breath. Rejection will never be a cakewalk, but there are healthy ways to react when you hear “no” that keep your dignity, and your friendship, intact.
Keep calm and carry on. Don't get angry or lash out, in the moment or afterwards, no matter how much you want to. It's not someone's fault if they're not interested in you, and it's not your fault if you have feelings for them. In both cases, it's just the way it is and no one owes anyone anything. Take time to yourself if need be, then come back to the friendship when you're ready to accept the situation.
Avoid “over it” overkill. Friendship is a shaky thing after rejection. You don't want to act like you're still into them, but you also don't want to go out of your way to show how “over it” you are. Acting like you're better off is childish, potentially hurtful, and may come off as intentionally trying to provoke jealousy.
Take the high road.
Address the awkwardness. There's no way to avoid it – being around someone when you both know how you feel is uncomfortable. The best way to make that awkwardness disappear is to acknowledge it. It's ok to say things are still a little weird. You'll probably both agree, have a giggle about it, and release some of the tension. Remember: we mostly take cues from each other, so if you act awkward around someone, they're more likely to act awkward around you.
Actually be a friend. Yes, the best way to keep a friendship intact is to keep being a friend. That means no holding onto false hope, no rudeness when they start seeing someone new, no constant reminders of your feelings, and no schemes to get them to fall in love with you. You are just friends – act accordingly.
One of the best ways to handle rejection is to go into it with the right mindset. Before asking someone on a date, set appropriate expectations. Keep your hopes and emotions to a reasonable level. Remember that rejection is almost never a reflection on who you are. And at the end of the day, you still have a friendship worth cherishing.
How To Turn Down A Date Without Breaking A Heart
Rejection isn't easy to take, but dishing it out isn't a walk in the park either. Most of us aren't out to hurt feelings or break hearts, so when it comes time to let someone down gently, we really do want it to be gentle.
If you're unprepared to be asked out, your response can be awkward or unintentionally hurtful. If it's already happened, well, these tips won't help much. But keep them in mind so you can handle things like a pro next time.
Obey the golden rule. Treat others how you would want to be treated. A “no” that sounds offended or disgusted is a harsh response. Unless the person is intentionally being offensive or disgusting, try to remember that it takes courage to approach someone and that they did so because they think highly of you. Keep your tone polite and calm, while still sounding assured.
Don't drag it out. Although you do want to handle someone's feelings with care, honesty is the best policy. If you know you're not interested, say so swiftly and directly. Agreeing to a date out of pity, being unclear about your intentions, or remaining silent to avoid confrontation only lead to more hurt down the road. Give a definitive answer so both of you can move on with your lives.
Make it about you. Yes, turning down a date really is an “It's not you, it's me” situation. If you choose to offer an explanation for your “no,” keep it focused on yourself. No one wants to hear a list of reasons why they don't measure up. Use "I" statements instead. Think “I don't feel that connection between us” or “I'm not looking to date someone right now.”
Don't keep them on the hook. When you turn someone down, make sure they know it's final. It's important to be kind, but being overly sympathetic or friendly can backfire. Don't give hope when there's none there. It should be clear that your “no” isn't a “not right now” or “let's see where things go” or “keep trying until I say yes.”
When the conversation is happening online, the rules are a little different. Although kindness and clearness are both still encouraged, online dating offers more wiggle room. Most people reach out to as many possible dates as they can, so they're unlikely to be strongly invested in any single one.
If all they do is send you a “Hey or a “What's up?” a response probably isn't warranted at all. If they've written a more detailed message, a polite-but-firm sentence or two is all you need. Wish them good luck and call it a day.
How to Date Again After a Break-Up
Have you gone through a painful break-up? Chances are, you want to take some time off from romance before you start dating again. It takes time to heal, as well as a lot of self-love and acceptance of being on your own. Grief, pain, and anger are not easy emotions to process.
Sometimes we divert our emotional struggles by hooking up with random strangers, or jumping into the next relationship right away, before we’ve had a chance to process our feelings and move to a healthier emotional place. This is especially hurtful if your ex moves on quickly – making you feel like he “got over you” without effort while you are still struggling.
Rest assured, you are not alone. Your ex might be hiding his feelings behind another relationship where he will likely make the same mistakes. Don’t try to copy him. Your life is your own, and it’s up to you to claim it for yourself.
If you’re looking to start dating again, here are some tips to help you:
Take your time. Break-ups are difficult and emotional – don’t assume you can move on effortlessly into your next relationship without taking some time to decompress, let go, and embrace your single life. We all must learn to love ourselves before we can love someone else. Don’t mask your pain with jumping into the next exciting encounter, hoping to avoid your own grief. It’s okay to grieve. You owe it to yourself to process your feelings and move on to a healthier relationship.
Know Your Own Needs. When you’ve been in a relationship long enough, you may start to confuse your wants and needs with your partner’s. Or perhaps you’ve been a couple for so long you don’t even know yourself as an independent person anymore. Now is the time to shift your thinking – to be selfish. To try new things, see what you love. This is the way to discover what it is you’re really looking for – to look outside of a relationship first.
Spend time with friends. Friends help remind us of who we are, and provide a safe place to fall. Don’t be afraid to reach out, your friends will be there for you.
Have a little fun. If you want to date, it’s time to have a good perspective about the process. It can be grueling and defeating at times, but it can also be surprising and joyful. This is the time to head in to it with no expectations – to learn about other people, to see what dating is about, to have a little fun. Don’t take it seriously, and don’t look for a relationship right away. Again, this is the perfect time to experiment - take your time, and enjoy the ride.
Ending an Unofficial Relationship
Breaking Up
Let’s face it – dating today is elusive. People are meeting new potential dates all the time with the popularity of dating apps like Tinder and Grindr. It’s no wonder that commitment is hard to come by – even for just one date.
Have you ever experienced the “fade” in dating – some call it ghosting – where the person you’ve been seeing suddenly disappears with no reason or explanation? You might have thought things were going great. Maybe you were looking forward to the concert you were going to invite him to, or perhaps you were fantasizing about a future relationship. After all, he was really into you, or so you thought – why not get excited?
But then, inexplicably, your texts and calls went unanswered. Maybe you only went out a few times, but you were starting to get emotionally invested. It’s only natural to want an explanation – to understand why this person you thought was so interested didn’t choose you.
But think about it – you’ve probably been on the other side of this relationship, too. Maybe you started dating someone and it was fun for a while, but you decided as time went on that you really weren’t into that person. Or maybe you decided you didn’t want a relationship that quickly – that you’d rather keep dating. Or maybe you weren’t over your ex and your date had become a nice distraction. Unfortunately, you weren’t as into him as he was into you.
Did you pull the fade on him?
If you’ve only been out a few times, or you never really established what your relationship is, then it’s difficult to know what to do when that person disappears. After all, you weren’t “together” – at least not in any committed sense. So what’s the problem, and why are you so upset over a relationship that wasn’t “real”?
The problem with this thinking is that it’s misguided. Even if you haven’t had “the talk” with someone you have dated, if you have developed feelings, then it can be just as devastating as a real break-up. This is why it’s important to not pull the fade.
Instead, honor and respect the person you’ve been dating by letting her know you aren’t interested in a relationship. It might hurt to be blunt, but it will help the other person move on more quickly and easily. After all, wouldn’t you want to know?
It’s important to be clear in this age of elusiveness in dating. It will create more open and honest relationships in your life. Don’t pretend to be friends or continue to hook up with someone you aren’t interested in. Make a clean break. Allow him to move on, too.
Is He Really Over His Ex?
Here’s the scenario: you’ve been dating an incredible guy – kind, funny, smart – and it seems the two of you have hit it off. You imagined your future relationship – taking vacations, moving in together. You’re smitten, and it seems he is, too. However, he told you that he broke up with his girlfriend a couple of weeks before you met. He claims he’s over her and wants to see where your new relationship is headed, but you have your doubts.
His confession has put a damper on your relationship, or at least how you feel about it. Maybe he’s telling the truth – that he has moved on – but you have a nagging sense that you might be a rebound for him.
How do you know for sure? Are there signs?
The development of any relationship can be tricky – there are no guarantees, which is why you have to take your chances from time to time if you feel the desire to be with someone, to see where the relationship goes no matter what. This could be one of those times to take the risk and put your heart out there – it is up to you to decide.
While it’s important to throw caution to the wind, it’s also good to pay attention to warning signs. Here’s how to tell that he might not be over his ex:
He pushes your relationship forward faster than you want. There’s nothing wrong with a man who is excited about you. But if he wants to charge ahead when you would rather take things a bit more slowly, he might be avoiding his own grieving process. Every broken relationship requires healing time – he might have done this while he was in the relationship, but maybe not. If he’s serious about you, he will respect your timeline without feeling the need to get serious so quickly.
He is hot and cold. Does he sweep you off your feet one day, and retreat into silence the next? If you have a hard time keeping track of his moods or when you can reach him, he’s obviously distracted. This likely means he’s still dealing with the pain of losing his old relationship, or that he is scared to move on to a new one with you – and possibly get hurt again.
He is set in his relationship ways. It might be difficult to notice right away, but pay attention to his habits when you are with him – for instance, does he communicate with you, or just tell you what he wants to happen? Does he criticize your taste in decorating or how you cook because it is different from what he’s “used to?” Does he assume you want to do the things he wants to do? If he is already carving out your place in the relationship, it’s a red flag that he is trying to recreate his past relationship. Start from a new place and compromise, or consider that he might not be ready for a relationship.
How to Work Through a Break-Up
Each year, the majority of break-ups happen just before the holidays. There are many people hurting right now over lost love, and wondering how to get over their pain.
The truth is, healing takes time and patience. There are no short cuts, as badly as we might want them. But if you allow yourself to go through the process of mourning and letting go, you can move on to healthier relationships. Many people get stuck in the grieving process, wanting to move on quickly by jumping from relationship to relationship or closing themselves off from emotional intimacy with a new person.
Don’t let this happen. There are ways to deal with a break-up that lead to a much healthier, happier you. Here are some steps to take to work through the pain:
Exercise, be active. Interestingly, moving our bodies physically can help us become emotionally unstuck, even if getting up from the couch is the last thing we want to do. When you are feeling sad and lethargic, try doing some yoga poses, going for a walk, or even jumping rope. Movement helps release endorphins, and helps lift depression.
Journal. So you’re not a writer – it doesn’t matter. Get your feelings out on the page. And don’t blog about it; treat yourself to an old-fashioned paper journal that you won’t be sharing with anyone else, so you can really lay out your pain, vulnerability, and relationship issues. There’s something healing about personal journaling when you are working through pain that helps clear things up.
Lean on friends/ family. There’s no shame in asking for help when you need it. Call up a friend to go for a walk with you, or a family member to cry it out. We’ve all been through heartache – and it helps to release with people you trust.
Meditate. Meditation isn’t just for Tibetan monks or hippie chicks in Santa Cruz. It’s become very popular lately for very good reason – it works. Meditation helps calm your mind so that emotions don’t take over – it helps you work through pain, release it, and create a more peaceful existence. If you’re not sure what to do, there are plenty of apps and online tutorials – try Deepak Chopra, Oprah.com, or the apps Headspace or Synchronicity, which provide short guided meditations.
Rediscover yourself. Have you been part of a couple so long you’ve lost track of what you really like? Are you looking for a new routine, a new hobby, or a change of scenery? Now is the time to explore. Clear the slate and start anew – whether that means redecorating your house, picking up a new hobby, visiting a new place, or cutting your hair and getting a fresh look. Trying new things opens up our world, and helps us find those things that make us happy. It’s a step in a new direction, towards a new life.
Healing After a Break-Up
The end of a significant relationship can really take its toll on your overall well-being. It’s hard to move past the depression and heartache, and we often find ourselves indulging – whether it’s binge-watching TV shows, eating poorly, drinking too much or having sex.
We all find different ways to comfort ourselves, but eventually, we know we must move past the heartache and deal with our pain. Part of the process of grieving past relationships is understanding the relationship itself, what you learned, and finding a way each day to move past the hurt – bit by bit.
Following are some ways to start the healing process post-breakup:
Nurture yourself. There’s no time like the present to start taking care of yourself. Book a massage – the power of touch is underestimated, and a very valuable part of the healing process. Take a relaxing bath. Meditate. Do things that help you replenish your energy – you need to recharge your emotional battery.
Get exercise. There’s something about the power of endorphins. I never liked running, but when I started, while it was difficult at first, the payoff of feeling wonderful was too big a reward. You feel better, you gain a little more optimism, and you have something to look forward to each day, rather than wasting away on your couch. Try walking, or a Zumba class, or whatever floats your boat. Any type of exercise is helpful to healing.
Enlist the support of friends. Don’t be afraid to ask your friends for help – likely they want to support you but don’t know the best way. Let them know you want to go out for dinner – don’t just hole up in your apartment until you are ready to socialize again. Talk about your break-up, and ask them about their lives, too. Friendships are invaluable during these difficult periods in our lives.
Find a new hobby. It might sound cliché, but learning a new sport or craft, or really investing time in a hobby that you love does wonders for your healing. For one thing, you can be completely in the moment when you are trying to learn something new, which takes you out of your grief. Another plus – it could lead to a new passion.
Venture into a new routine. Instead of frequenting the restaurants or coffee shops you went to with your ex, drive to a new neighborhood and try something new. Introduce yourself to a neighbor you never really spoke to before. Try a morning jog instead of going out for coffee before work. Mixing things up is soothing medicine for the soul.
What are your Dating Deal Breakers?
All of us have our own personal lists of dating “deal-breakers.” If you’ve been on a date recently, chances are you’ve encountered someone who did something you can’t accept – whether it’s spitting his food when he talked or grabbing your leg under the table – or maybe she lied about her weight in her online dating profile.
Some of these things are upsetting, and when they happen more than once, they can become dating deal-breakers.
Deal-breakers vary for all of us, but usually have to do with a lack of respect or consideration for the other person. We don’t like being lied to, talked down to, having our dates assume we are “DTF,” or any of an array of bad behaviors.
Details magazine recently polled fifteen women to find out their dating deal-breakers, and most shared a very specific experience that they are sure never to repeat. Sometimes, one person’s actions can leave such a bad impression that they become the benchmark for what you don’t want in a date.
It’s good to remind ourselves of what some typical deal breakers are when it comes to dating – so we can demand better behavior of our dates. It’s great to keep an open mind about everyone, but it’s also important to balance this with respecting yourself, your time, and your emotions.
Following are a few red flags to watch out for that you can consider dating deal-breakers:
She’s rude to waitstaff/ valet/ etc. If she refuses to tip the valet, gets testy with your waiter, or otherwise treats people in a rude or dismissive manner, this is a huge red flag. There’s no need to spend your time with someone who doesn’t see people as equals.
He leaves you hanging. Does he text you last minute only to cancel? Does he show up late every time you’re supposed to meet? Does he neglect to text or call? If he’s flaky, it’s not because he’s too busy, it’s because he is disrespectful on your time. Move on.
He is aggressive sexually. If he grabs your leg, your backside or other body part without your permission or against your wishes - or if he presses you for sexual favors when you’re not ready or not interested, walk away.
She talks a lot about the ex. Take the hint – if she’s not thinking about you on the date and talking about her ex, chances are she’s still hung up on him, even if her ex makes her angry. A date isn’t a therapy session, or a walk down memory lane. Time to go.
She is critical. Does she tell you what you should order, how you should dress, or what she expects? Nobody should be so controlling or demanding, especially when you’re just dating. If she makes you feel “less than,” run the other way – that’s a deal-breaker.
6 Signs A Breakup Is In Your Future
Sometimes an impending breakup is as obvious as Donald Trump's comb over. Other times it creeps up slowly, leaving you in a long period of uncertainty and doubt.
Should you give it a chance? Maybe if you hang in there, things will get better.
Should you move on? Maybe it's better to end sooner rather than later. Why waste precious time and energy on something you know is doomed?
Here are five signs it's time to seek out new prospects.
The same nagging concerns keep coming up. It's not only natural to ask questions about a relationship, it's healthy. All relationships must be evaluated at critical steps in order to determine long-term suitability. But if the same questions and concerns keep popping up, they're probably trying to tell you something. Take them seriously.
You don't feel free to be yourself. A relationship can only reach its full potential if both partners are completely authentic. If you do not feel free to express your true self, or your partner does not, the relationship will never be satisfying. Instead you'll feel stifled, suffocated, and prevented from personal growth.
You can't resolve conflicts. It's impossible to escape conflict in a relationship, so you must be able to handle it with grace and maturity. A healthy relationship is built on a solid foundation of communication – at all times, but especially when things get challenging. A relationship is guaranteed to fail if conflicts can't be resolved.
You don't feel supported. There's no place for narcissism in relationships. If your partner has a bad me-first attitude, or shows little regard for your interests and ambitions, they're not the right partner for you. In a healthy relationship, your partner will actively express interest in your life, your thoughts, your feelings, and your goals. You will not have to question their support for you.
Someone is stuck in the past. You can't get where you're going until you leave where you've been. Before you can build a future with a new partner, you have to be done with the past. If either of you is holding onto something, the weight of the baggage will drag your budding relationship down. Remain single until you're ready to live in the present and plan for the future.
Your life plans don't intersect. There's no way around it – if your life plans don't match, you're not a match. Someone who wants to be childless in a big city will never be a suitable partner for someone who wants a big family in the country. A relationship that is otherwise good will still crumble if your ambitions aren't complementary.
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Why Your Attitude is Everything in Online Dating
When you’re online dating, it’s important to be realistic about who you are and what you want. It’s also important to know when you’re carrying baggage along from past dates or relationships.
But let’s face it - it’s hard to be objective about our love lives. After all, our experiences shape our world. If we encounter people who don’t treat us well, or who take advantage or betray us, or otherwise disappoint, we start to look for evidence in each new person of how they might let us down, too.
This kind of emotional baggage is something all of us have. Whether it stems from the break-up of a long-term relationship or a series of potential partners letting us down, we can carry those hurts along with us. We make them part of our story. And we do our best to avoid engaging with these types of people again. Or at least, we try.
What Facebook Knows About Your Love Life
File this one under “Cool Or Creepy?”
It’s no surprise that Facebook gathers a lot of data about its users, but what is surprising is the conclusions the site can draw by interpreting that information. Of course Facebook knows when you’re “Single,” when you’re “In A Relationship,” or when “It’s Complicated,” but it turns out the social networking site actually knows a whole lot more than that about your love life.
Facebook data scientist Mike Develin works on the site’s search function, studying how people use it, what they’re searching for that isn't available, and how to make it more useful. Along the way, Develin and his team noticed some intriguing romance-related patterns.
It starts with a period of courtship. On Facebook, ‘courtship’ means messages are exchanged, profiles are visited, and posts are shared on each other's timelines. During the 100 days before the relationship starts, there is a slow but steady increase in the number of timeline posts shared between the future couple. The peak is reached 12 days before the relationship begin, at 1.67 posts per day
At “Day 0,” when the relationship officially begins, a couple’s Facebook interactions start to decline. Presumably because they are now spending more time together in person, the happy couple feels less need to communicate online. The lowest point is 1.53 posts per day, reached 85 days into the relationship. Along with that decrease in Facebook interactions comes good news about the content: the interactions may be fewer, but they also get sweeter and more positive. Warm fuzzy feelings are dramatically on the upswing after Day 0.
On the not-so-warm-and-fuzzy side is the breakup data. The research team also took a look at couples who split up and got back together, and documented the saga on their profiles. The maximum, Develin reports to USA Today, was a couple who went in and out of a relationship 27 times in one year. Yikes. It’s a good thing Facebook also found an increase in private messages, timeline posts, and comments from supportive friends during tough times.
What all this means is that horoscopes won’t accurately predict lasting love any time soon, but Facebook might. "We have such a wide-ranging set of data, including on places there may not be data on otherwise," Develin told USA Today. And because Facebook knows so much about its users’ authentic identity, there is very little territory its researchers couldn’t explore. The patterns they identify could be instrumental in mapping human interactions and proving or disproving theories about relationships.
Do you jump from relationship to relationship? Do you avoid breaking up with someone who isn't right for you in order to avoid being alone? Do you demand too much, too soon from new relationships because you miss that feeling of intimacy?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, the thought of being alone probably frightens you. Are you willing to let these thoughts go, to change your attachment to relationships? Maybe jumping from one relationship to the next isn't serving you, and is leaving you feeling more desperate and alone after each break-up. But it doesn't have to. You are in more control than you think. You have the power to choose to love someone because you want to love him, not because you need to have love in your life.
It's time to turn those feelings around, so instead of acting out of fear, you'll be standing on firmer, healthier ground. When you are in a better place you will have an easier time finding the right person. More importantly, you can feel safer that you will find the right person instead of another Mr. Right Now. You can feel more secure.
First, I ask you to do these exercises. When you're head and heart are in a more supportive space, you can make better decisions about who to love:
Practice gratitude. Daily reflections on what you have in your life right now can shift your thinking. Often, we're so focused on what we want that we neglect to acknowledge all we have. But it's just as important. List five things every day that you are grateful for.
Understand you are whole. You don't need someone else to be "complete." You are a perfectly whole, capable, loving human being. Instead of assuming that you have a "better half," concentrate on all that you are right now.
Rely on your support network. Friends and family are invaluable, so don't forget about them when you're thinking about a new love. They provide support when we're low and between break-ups, and they are there to celebrate with us, too when good things happen. Cherish them.
Pursue what you love. Instead of focusing on a new relationship, think about other areas of your life where you can experience something new. Is there a hobby you've always wanted to try? Do you want to start painting again? Nourish activities you love, which can be fulfilling, too.
A Reason to Have Confidence
Everyone agrees that dating requires a lot of confidence. However, ending an old relationship - no matter the circumstances - can drain you of confidence rather quickly. If your last relationship wasn’t “successful,” you think, why should the next one be? What if the last several relationships haven’t worked out - is there a pattern? What should you do?
There’s nothing wrong with a little self-reflection; indeed, it’s possible that in the past there was a negative pattern in the relationships you chose. But self-reflection is not the same as beating yourself up, nor should it be. Sometimes relationships simply end. Often there’s fault on both ends. The fact remains, whatever the circumstances, you will never be in that exact relationship again.
Think about that statement: Every relationship is unique, a combination of two unique individuals and a very specific time and place, so you will never be in that exact relationship again. Thus, you can take away a lesson you’ve learned, but you will not be able to use that relationship as a template for the future. It doesn’t matter if the next relationship is your first or your fiftieth; everyone enters the game with varying communication skills, innate intuition and experience, but to a certain extent, everyone is also starting fresh, with a clean slate.
Your new partner is an entirely different person, and you may need to learn new methods of communication or affection. You’ll form new jokes and new familiarities. Some aspects may be similar to past experiences, but others will be utterly new.
That’s the key to dating: starting back at the beginning is not bad, nor is it a sign of failure. It’s a fresh start, a new chance at love, the beginning of a unique experience. And perhaps most importantly, you’re not alone in doing so: everyone who’s ever been in any relationship, including all successful ones, started at the beginning. Regardless of the way your last relationship ended, that’s worthy of hope, optimism, and, yes, confidence.
New Love or Ghost of the Past?
An acquaintance, “Rick,” recently found himself in an awkward situation. After having ended a years-long relationship, he’d begun dating someone new, and he really liked her. After dating the new girl for a month, he felt ready to introduce her to friends and family, at a low-key gathering where someone else was the focus.
Or so he’d thought. Midway through the party, Rick found out that all the whispering was about him and his new date. The verdict? Though the girl was lovely, everyone was more interested in the fact that she was apparently the “spitting image” of his ex. Rick thought he’d comfortably let go of his baggage, but now his family was throwing him into a spiral of uncertainty: was he more attached to the memory of his ex than he’d thought?
In reality, it’s actually more likely that the friends and family were the ones who were having problems letting go. For years, Rick had been in a relationship with one person; he was part of a pair. They were literally used to seeing him with one other, specific face. It’s human nature to attempt to spot patterns; chances are Rick’s support system would have found something they found similar, whether it was body type, hair color, smile, personality, or some ephemeral quality that didn’t even exist.
On the other hand, it’s also possible that Rick’s new flame does bear some resemblance to his ex. However, this doesn’t mean he’s still attached to her, or that he’s having problems letting go. Many people do have a physical “type” to whom they’re inherently attracted, and there’s nothing wrong with that; maybe it’s hardwired, or maybe it’s a way of identifying those with whom they’re most compatible.
If Rick’s new girlfriend does resemble his last one, it’s entirely possible she also resembles the one before that, or his favorite movie star, or the comic character he crushed on growing up. It probably says more about Rick than his last relationship.
The important thing to note about Rick’s experience is this: until it was brought to his attention, Rick wasn’t thinking of his new match as a replacement for the last one. He wasn’t viewing her as a clone. In this relationship, the only views that really matter are those of Rick and his new love. Eventually his friends and family will see the new girl for her unique qualities, but more importantly, Rick already does.
How Do You Know If You Should Break Up With Your Partner?
I've talked about what to do after a break-up when your heart is hurting. It's a time for healing, finding yourself again, and learning how to move on.
Break-ups can be devastating, but what happens when you're on the other side of things - when you want to do the breaking up? Maybe a long-term relationship just isn't working for you anymore. But how do you know if breaking up is the right thing to do when the friendship is important? And how do you break up with someone you care about without looking like a jerk, or worse, wondering if your ex will hate you?
First, it's important to understand that not all relationships are meant to last. Sometimes they are learning experiences, which isn't a bad thing. They help us find ourselves - without hurt and loss, we don't realize how strong we can be. We don't grow.
But breaking off a long-term relationship is a difficult process. After all, you've spent holidays and birthdays together, you know your partner's family, you know intimate details about him, like how he has to wash his face three times before going to bed or that he leaves his socks in little piles around the house. You share the same friends. How do you even begin to separate from each other's lives?
These are difficult questions that only you can answer. All I can say is, if you don't wake up in the morning excited to be with your partner, or you'd rather spend time alone than have dinner together, you're probably not in the right relationship.
Many relationships start out with passion and romance, but these don't last. If you're constantly chasing passionate love, you might want to take a look at what you're doing and ask yourself if it's making you happy. The basis of a good relationship is very simple: if you enjoy being together despite your fights, your problems, and your differences, then you're probably in the right relationship. If you'd rather find the next plane out of town regardless of whether or not you hit a rough patch, then you're probably with the wrong person.
Don't stay in a relationship because you don't want to disappoint your partner. If you're not emotionally invested, then you're not doing yourself or her any favors, and you will both end up hurt and resentful.
Breaking up isn't the worst thing that can happen to a person. Sometimes it's the best thing. Let her move on and find someone else who is right for her. And allow yourself to move on, too.
6 Tips For Getting Back In The Online Dating Game
So you're back in the game. Whether you're freshly out of a relationship or hitting the field after a stretch on the sidelines, retuning to the dating world can be overwhelming.
Not only will you feel like you've forgotten how to socialize, you'll be confronted with fancy new tech “the kids” are into that you don't understand. What is that “swipe right” nonsense, anyway? Back in your day, phones were only good for making calls and serving as paper weights.
It's time for an online dating crash course. Here's what the newly single need to know:
Don't be obsessed. You're back on the market! You're looking forward to meeting new people! It's exciting! But don't let that excitement turn into obsession. Check your account once or twice a day. Logging in 10 times a day is not a good look, nor is responding to a message immediately after you get it. Slow your roll and play it cool.
Toss expectations out the window. The person you're looking for could totally be out there, but you're probably going to meet a lot of not-that-person first. Don't be discouraged if you don't find the love of your life right away. Even people who seem perfect on paper (er...screen) may fall short when you meet them in person. Just chalk it up to experience and move on.
Don't become penpals. Message chemistry and face-to-face chemistry aren't always the same thing. Some people have good message game but can't translate that connection into real-life conversation. The sooner you meet someone in person, the sooner you'll know whether you're actually compatible. Don't get sucked into a long exchange of messages before setting up the first date.
Choose the first date wisely. No dinner. No movie. No long walk on the beach. No nothing that requires a serious investment of time or energy. Save that for the second date after the first date goes well. If you're meeting for the first time, stick with coffee, a drink, or something else similarly short-lived. If there's no click, you want to be able to end the date. Imagine how awkward it would be to sit through a 4-course meal with someone you have nothing in common with.
If it's not working out, be honest. You don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. That's nice of you, but that doesn't mean you should bail on dates with excuses about a friend emergency or your oven being left on. Your fib is almost always transparent, and your date will probably feel even worse. Be kind but honest: “It was nice to meet you, but I'm not feeling this.” You'll find that, in the long run, honesty is less awkward and more empowering.
Remember that most first dates will also be last dates. That's ok. We date to find out more about what we want and need in a partner. Those lessons are important. Every date you go on gets you closer to the person you actually want to be with. If you're not into a date, or they're not into you, say thank you and move on with your confidence intact.
And last but not least, have fun with this. If you’re not enjoying it, what’s the point?
3 Steps To Get Back In The Dating Game After A Breakup
Let's not sugar coat this: there few things worse than the end of a relationship. If you breakup with your SO, find out your goldfish died, and then realize you've run out of ice cream, then yes, you're having a truly terrible day and have my deepest sympathies.
But barring that unexpected car crash of unfortunate events, a breakup is about as bad as it gets. Being in a relationship takes a lot of effort, even if it isn't a very long one, and at the end it feels like your energy is totally tapped out. Then you think about the fact that you have to start the process all over again with someone new, and becomes twice as exhausting.
People don't just hop up and run marathons. They train, slowly, until they're in good enough shape – both mentally and physically – to take on the challenge.
Adopt the same strategy for your post-breakup plan. There's no rush, but you do need to put conscious effort into the process or you'll never cross the finish line. Here are 3 exercises to add to your breakup personal training program:
Spend time dating yourself. After the chaos of a breakup, you need peace, quiet, and time to regroup. It's easy to lose sight of who you are in a relationship that isn't working, so use this time to recover your sense of self. Treat yourself to the things you love, whether it's brunch, bike rides, cooking classes, or trips to museums. The goal is to remember how great your own company is and regain a solid idea of yourself as a single individual. Once you've got that down, you'll be ready to let another person in and feel more confident about doing it.
Find the fun in flirting. If you're just getting out of a relationship, your flirting muscles probably haven't been exercised in a while. They're bound to be a little stiff, and as the marathon runner from earlier knows, stiff muscles need to be carefully stretched. When you have the opportunity to put your flirty feelers out, do it. Don't expect anything in return – being overly attached to a specific outcome is a good way to set yourself up for failure – just enjoy the fun of working muscles that have been dormant.
Be social. Ben & Jerry are good dates for a limited amount of time, but pretty soon they'll be hurting instead of helping. Grab your friends and get out, whatever “out” means to you. It can be an afternoon of picnicking in a park or a wild night of partying – either one, or anything in between, is helpful as long as you're putting yourself in social situations. Bonus points if you start talking to strangers in addition to your friends.
Suddenly 26 miles doesn't seem so hard, does it?
Is The Holiday Season Really Breakup Season? Clover Answers.
Benjamin Franklin famously said that the only certain things are death and taxes. These days, a third inevitability should be added to the list: breakups.
They're an unfortunate fact of life, even now when we're wrapped up in the joy of the holiday season. Perhaps especially during the holiday season, when the pressure's on and stress is running high. Online dating app Clover decided to find out once and for all if the holidays are prime time for breakups, and their answer is...
Yes.
Sigh.
It's a downer, but it does appear December spells doom for a number of relationships. Clover analyzed data from 150,000 of its users, and found that there’s a whopping 300% leap in Clover sign-ups from people who are already in relationships during the month of December. Of those people, most are women – 33% more than men, to be precise. 6% of women who sign up during the holiday season are already attached, compared to 4.5% of men.
What's even more interesting than the gender gap is the correlation Clover discovered with income. A person is 2.5x more likely to seek a new relationship during the holiday season if he/she earns less than $60,000 per year. Clover offers no potential explanation for the phenomenon, but Bustle suggests that it could be because “most people making under $60,000 tend to be younger than those making over $60,000, which means they’re probably less inclined to 'settle down.'”
If you know a breakup is in your immediate future, you have a major decision to make. To breakup pre-holidays or post-holidays, that is the question. If you wait until after the festivities, you risk feeling like you livied a lie, but avoid the serious potential for awkwardness or loneliness. If you end things before the holidays, you won't have a sweetie to spend them with but you'll have the confidence that comes from knowing you faced the decision head-on.
Either way, remember that singlehood – before the holidays, during the holidays, and at any time after – is hardly a terrible fate. In fact, dating isn't always all it's cracked up to be, as these dating disasters will remind you. A read through a few tales of infidelity, ill-timed Facebook updates, and dual identities should be all the proof you need that spending the holidays single isn't so bad.
New Study Shows that Online Relationships Fare Worse than Others
Wondering if you should try online dating? Before you craft your profile, a new study by Michigan State University and Stanford found that people who met online weren’t as likely to stay together for the long-haul as those couples who met offline.
As it turns out, online dating sites who have been touting their matching success rates may not be telling the whole story. Many couples have successfully gotten together thanks to online dating, but that doesn’t mean they have lasted. The separation and divorce rates for folks who paired up online was much higher than for those who met their partners offline in more traditional ways.
According to the report, 8% of married couples who met their spouses online reported to have ended their marriage in separation or divorce, compared to approximately 2% of married couples who met their spouses offline. And compared to 23% couples who had met offline, 32% of couples who had met online had broken up in the following year of the survey.
What Does All This Ambiguity Mean For Long-Term Relationships?
Breaking Up
Are they or aren’t they?
Or, more importantly, are we or aren’t we?
Relationships have always been a guaranteed source of stress, angst, and all manner of other unsettled feelings, but dating these days is more unstructured than it's ever been and the anguish is even worse in our age of ambiguity.
Whereas once upon a time dating followed a relatively set path, now we're all pretty much running around blindfolded and hoping for the best. From friends with benefits, to long term live-in partners that are anxious about making the leap to marriage, our commitments are fuzzier than they have ever been before. This is especially true for younger generations, who often fear using the terms "relationship" or "dating." “We’re hanging out” is as committed as it gets.
But why this sudden urge to remain ambiguous?
One theory is that those in their 20s and 30s are the first generation to grow up witnessing mass divorce. Having watched their parents split, they may carry a legacy of insecurity with them and avoid intimacy in order to cope with it. They may also simply feel that relationships are too risky a proposition.
On the other hand, the rising incidence of narcissism that researchers are seeing amongst the younger generations may also be to blame. If we are increasingly focused on ourselves, we may also be increasingly likely to reject the responsibility of caring for someone else.
There's also the fear of rejection, which has plagued every generation since the dawn of dating. Throw in online and mobile dating, which allow people to test the waters from behind the safety of a screen, and it's no wonder we feel safer with vague intentions and minimal commitments. The ease of shopping for potential partners via digital means, plus the greater social acceptance of diverse romantic arrangements and the disappearance of clear labels, have all added to the dating confusion.
Initially, ambiguity in such a bad thing, but as a relationship continues, it becomes difficult to navigate. Constant ambiguity comes with certain risks. One person may feel more committed than the other, but may be afraid to bring it up for fear of pushing their partner away. The result is a whole lot of insecurity and time wasted with someone who ultimately isn't seeking the same thing.
That ambiguity is also extending into our breakups. More and more people are having sex with their exes, and far too often one hopes the inconclusivness means the relationship is rekindling while the other just wants a temporary hookup in the interim until they find someone else.
The question now is: will we develop new rules to govern our age of ambiguity? What will they be?
This Common Online Dating Phrase Should Make You Reevaluate Your Dating Life
Dating is full of clichés, and online dating is even worse. If I see one more person who describes themselves as “fun” or says they like “hanging out with friends” (or, God forbid, that they like “candlelit dinners and long walks on the beach&rdquo
I am going to throw my laptop out the window in a fit of rage. Could you possibly be any more boring?
Most online clichés should be ignored, but there’s one overused online dating phrase that’s worth paying attention to: “no drama.”
Yes, it sounds incredibly annoying and to be honest I would probably never date someone who used it. That being said, I do think it has value. We all like to complain about the drama others bring into our lives, but when was the last time you stopped to ask yourself if you’re the reason there's drama in your relationships? If you find yourself in bad relationship after bad relationship, it's time to face the music: the common denominator is you.
Next time you see an online dating profile that says drama queens need not apply, ask yourself a few questions:
Are you ready to have fun? If a new relationship is coming directly on the heels of the previous one, you may not have given your self sufficient time to heal. On the other hand, if it's been forever since you last dipped your toes in the dating pool, you might be feeling totally lost. Getting back into the swing of things means being comfortable with being uncomfortable. Sometimes you’ll be rejected. Sometimes someone you're interested in will simply disappear. Sometimes a date will go totally haywire. If you're not ready to face every eventuality – and have fun while doing it - there's a good chance drama will follow.
How confident are you? Dating isn't always easy. In fact, it can be downright brutal. Things will happen that will make you forget how totally awesome you are. The minute your confidence takes a hit, you start behaving in ways that sink it even further. Low self-esteem leads to neediness, to dependency, and to attention-seeking behavior. When you don't feel good about yourself internally, you'll find yourself desperately seeking external validation. None of this is healthy. None of this is attractive. And all of it takes drama.
Have you fully moved on from your last relationship? Hello, drama central! One of the easiest ways to doom a relationship is to enter it before you're ready. It’s never smart to start dating right away after the end of a relationship. It might feel like a fix, but that fix is only temporary. You’ll end up dragging the baggage from the previous relationship over to the new one, dooming things with your new date from the very beginning. When a relationship ends, stay single until you're ready to date again with confidence, happiness, an open heart, and absolutely zero ex drama.